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I’m sitting at the airport – I’ve been in transit since 23:00 Darwin time, which for the rest of the normal part of Australia was 00:30. Checking the clock, it’s 10:14 -and there’s still another three and a half hours of waiting, and another three and a bit hours of a plane ride back home.

So, I think to myself, this is probably a good time for reflection. I’ve done a week away, and should be relaxed as much as one can be when they’re over tired and the coffee isn’t cutting it.

The thing is though, that I’m not. I went away with a purpose: to work out what my purpose was, and I’m coming back just as confused about where my life is headed as I did when I started. Let’s give some back story: I had plans next year to move up to the NT. I was super keen, had a pretty good goal set in my mind; I’d continue working right up until I went and things would be great. I wasn’t expecting an announcement of a redundancy 6 weeks out from Christmas. In a way, it’s been a bit of a blessing – and provides a lot of opportunity, however my future plans have now skyrocketed to a screeching halt whilst I work out wtf I’m supposed to do now.

Do I try and find work for another three or four months whilst I prepare for the upcoming international holiday I have planned, and then leave? Do I look at heading up North early and hope for the best? What happens to everyone down here, will they care if I go? Will I be missed? Will I make friends if and when I go? Is this a good decision? Do I even want to go? The whole thing is ridiculously overwhelming.

And you know, for most of the trip – I wasn’t okay with being not okay. I can sit here and preach mental health awareness until the cows come home, but sometimes it’s hard to preach it to yourself, and I think we forget some times that it is, funny enough, okay to feel this way.

The next few months are not something that are going to be easy – it’s a massive life change that I haven’t had to deal with before. It’s a challenge that I don’t know how to tackle, and really, honestly, don’t know what to do with it.

I think that we look for a magic soloution sometimes, and get so disheartened when we’re unable to achieve it in the way our brain tells us the scenario is going to go. I know I did this, for 48 hours I was the most miserable grump and I’m going to say that for the merit that the reason that I was bummed out could have been resolved just by talking, it had escalated to a point that I had to be called out on the attitude, which isn’t nice for anyone. It would be nice sometimes to have a magic eight ball that could actually give some guidance, but failing this, getting the confidence to say “I’m actually pretty terrified right now, but I’m a bad ass mofo, and I got this,” is a really empowering point.

So dear me,
you’ve got this.

I know it’s scary, and you hate change. We both know that your goals may not align all the time with society’s norms, and that’s okay too. But, I believe in you, which means you believe in yourself and we are going to be fine.

love,
me

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