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I’m sitting at the airport – I’ve been in transit since 23:00 Darwin time, which for the rest of the normal part of Australia was 00:30. Checking the clock, it’s 10:14 -and there’s still another three and a half hours of waiting, and another three and a bit hours of a plane ride back home. I’m trying to remind myself that it’s okay to be overwhelmed.

So, I think to myself, this is probably a good time for reflection. I’ve done a week away and should be relaxed as much as one can be when they’re overtired and the coffee isn’t cutting it.

The thing is though, that I’m not. I went away with a purpose: to work out what my purpose was, and I’m coming back just as confused about where my life is headed as I did when I started. Let’s give some back story: I had planned next year to move up to the NT. I was super keen, had a pretty good goal set in my mind; I’d continue working right up until I went and things would be great. I wasn’t expecting an announcement of a redundancy 6 weeks out from Christmas. In a way, it’s been a bit of a blessing – and provides a lot of opportunities, however, my future plans have now skyrocketed to a screeching halt whilst I work out wtf I’m supposed to do now.

Do I try and find work for another three or four months whilst I prepare for the upcoming international holiday I have planned, and then leave? Do I look at heading up North early and hope for the best? What happens to everyone down here, will they care if I go? Will I be missed? Will I make friends if and when I go? Is this a good decision? Do I even want to go? The whole thing is ridiculously overwhelming.

And you know, for most of the trip – I wasn’t okay with being not okay. I can sit here and preach mental health awareness until the cows come home, but sometimes it’s hard to preach it to yourself, and I think we forget some times that it is, funny enough, okay to feel this way.

The next few months are not something that are going to be easy – it’s a massive life change that I haven’t had to deal with before. It’s a challenge that I don’t know how to tackle, and really, honestly, don’t know what to do with it.

I think that we look for a magic solution sometimes, and get so disheartened when we’re unable to achieve it in the way our brain tells us the scenario is going to go. I know I did this, for 48 hours I was the most miserable grump and I’m going to say that for the merit that the reason that I was bummed out could have been resolved just by talking, it had escalated to a point that I had to be called out on the attitude, which isn’t nice for anyone. It would be nice sometimes to have a magic eight ball that could actually give some guidance but failing this, getting the confidence to say “I’m actually pretty terrified right now, but I’m a badass mofo, and I got this,” is a really empowering point.

So dear me,
you’ve got this.

I know it’s scary, and you hate change. It’s okay to be overwhelmed with everything right now. We both know that your goals may not align all the time with society’s norms, and that’s okay too. But, I believe in you, which means you believe in yourself and we are going to be fine.

love,
me

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